Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
