Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
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