Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
