I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
