im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
I think im going to throw up on grandma
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
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