good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
pray to the hookup gods
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Randomize
