Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
The adults are the big ones right?
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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