this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Randomize
