I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I just made out with a guy for $7.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Randomize
