You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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