well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
