She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
