I can tuck mytits in my pants
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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