i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
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i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
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I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
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