please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
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