i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize