Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
