I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.