she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
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So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
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Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.