i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
