you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
25 People Confess The Most Ignorant Thing Someone Has Ever Said To Them
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
27 Signs That Someone Will Probably Be Bad At Sex
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation