The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Did I show you my penis last night?
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
