It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
