you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
These tits shall not be calmed
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Randomize
