so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Randomize
