dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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