Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
