We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
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