Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Randomize
