The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
