P.S. I can't hear my feet
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Randomize
