these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Randomize
