my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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