I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
