I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Randomize
