did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize