i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
