The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
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