I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
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You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
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I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
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