i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
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We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
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My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Randomize