saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
The air was thick with penises
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
