Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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