Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
she told me i tasted like america
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Randomize
