Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Randomize
