oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize
