In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
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I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
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I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
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