I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
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