we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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