She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
