I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
