You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
