it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
There are leaves in my underwear?
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