if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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