I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
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