Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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