I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
Did I show you my penis last night?
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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